Letters
by rite2write465
Summary: Okay, so i've read the book and seen the BBC series and i have a couple of things to say. Rated T on the safe side
1. Chapter 1

**Okay first P+P fanfic, be nice, review and tell me if you want more. Enjoy ****J**

**Disclaimer: I know I don't need one but I like to cover my but from the law. Don't own it. Jane Austen does.**

**Mr Collins**

Dear Mr Collins,

You do not know me and I have no intention of getting to know you any better as you are a smarmy git. In reading into your character I have been disgusted, appalled and I ardently hate you.

What puzzles me is your habits, firstly do you wash your hair? I assume not as you are very greasy-like. Also you kiss Catherine de Bough's ass as if it were roast beef and Yorkshire pudding with extra gravy. (Sorry for that mental image, actually no I am not.) And yet just when people think you're a smarmy git gold digger idiot, you marry the abhorrently awful Charlotte Lucas.

So this makes you a smarmy git wizard, a gold digger, a cradle robber, an idiot and I know what you are asking, why smarmy git wizard? Because when Lydia got into trouble with Wickham, you came over and basically laughed in their face and subtly reminded them that once there dad kicks the bucket, the house is yours.

Also just to clear the air on this, no-one cares about the mantle piece at Rosings, only other smarmy gits, therefore you and Wickham, but even he see's through your desperate attempt to climb the social ladder.

Learn to take no for an answer, as Elizabeth said no, deal with it, don't go crying of to her mother. I thank god everyday that Lizzie didn't pick you.

If I had to compare you to another literary character it would be dogberry from much ado about nothing.

If I have hurt your feelings then I am glad and please don't repeat yourself by running of to cry about it to _my_ mother. She has enough to deal with without a smarmy git.

Please stop bothering the Bennet's, the Darcy's and the de Boughs.

Yours sincerely

Nicola

**Sorry about the shortness of it, I hope that these chapters will become longer as more important characters get their letter. Who's next?** ;)


	2. Chapter 2

**Hello again! I see that if you have reached this chapter you are interested. Prove it by leaving a review please.**

**Mr Wickham**

Mr Wickham,

Please notice I do not say 'dear' Mr Wickham. This is because you are a paedophile and there for _nawt_ dear to me.

When you were younger I assume that older Mr Darcy took you to church and you will have studied the bible, I myself am an atheist but I like to prove a point. In you religion it says that it's a bit naughty to lie. You have done so. Naughty naughty.

At my school if people mention your name we all shout 'agrh! I hate Wickham!' I can safely say that this is because you almost got in the way of Darcy and Elizabeth. You also do realise that if you hadn't made up a lie, you wouldn't seem half as disgusting as you do currently. Actually to be fair yes you would.

Another thing that makes you despicable is the incident with both Georgiana and Lydia, they were about 15 and 16 and you're what like, 30? Seriously dude, that's wrong. In my country, England, we call this behaviour paedophilia. I disown you from England; you may reside in Scotland instead.

What were you really looking for in Lydia, was it just revenge on Darcy, or are you sick minded? Is it a bit of both? 'Cos if I were to go for a sister, I would get Mary, she needed more time devoted to her. Why do you hate her Wickham why?

Did you join the army in hopes that it would put you on the straight and narrow or was it quite for the opposite reasons; did you hope to chase tail in Hertfordshire? Shame on you sir! Most of the ladies here actually own several brain cells, besides Lydia I grant you.

I wish to spend no more time on you at present Mr Wickham but expect more letters from me soon.

Yours not so sincerely as I am a hater, the good kind who kicks you arse because you deserve it, not because I enjoy it, (well maybe a little.)

Nicola

**Okay here you go, I really want to write to Mr Darcy and Elizabeth but I am going to wait until later. Let it be known that I want to complement as much as criticise. Review please and tell me who to write to next. I really want your opinion. To me a review is like Colin Firth coming of of the lake all over again. Also I think that next on the chopping block is Mrs Bennet, thoughts?**


	3. Chapter 3

**Hello again, just want to ay thanks to the reviewers, review to the I - don't - reviewers. And a little round of applause for me for keeping motivated!**

**Anyhow with that out the way we can move on to the main event!**

**Mrs Bennet**

Dear Mrs Bennet,

Before I criticise you I feel that I need to give credit where credit is due.

At the beginning of the book you were right about one thing. You couldn't call on Mr Bingley without looking weird. Well done.

Also you have a forgiving nature, this is also a very good thing.

As you learn in the book that you never know who your daughter may end up with. Also you raised two girls to be sensible and fair, again well done.

Now the fun part.

ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR FREAKING MIND?

You can't bargain with men to save your life. From now on I never want to hear, 'Oh Mr Bennet you cruel man, you have no respect for my nerves blah blah blah. Here is what you have to do.

If he says no then that night get completely naked and do a little dance for him.

When he's absolutely begging for it put your clothes back on and announce no more…. Intercourse until he agrees to your conditions.

It may seem like a demeaning method but is well worth it and works time and time again. Your welcome.

Now you must listen to Mr Bennet more often because he is always right. Believe me. When you argue it actually lowers the chance of you getting what you want.

If you want you daughters married to rich men then really you need to shut your mouth and keep kitty and Lydia away from any balls they may be at.

Keep them out of dances until they have a similar attitude to Jane or Elizabeth.

Make Mary dance. I feel if given more of a chance Mary could be quite amazing but, NO-ONE IN THIS FRICKIN' BOOK CARES ABOUT MARY! Granted she is a pain but all anyone does is put her down, encourage her to socialise and dress nice and I can definably see a good chance of her being married incredibly quickly.

No-one actually cares about your nerves, you are an embarrassment and annoying and to be honest you're my third least favourite character.

I'll probably write again soon.

Yours kinda sincerely,

Nicola

**I'm thinking Lydia kitty or Mary next, followed by Miss Caroline Bingley, then Charlotte, then maybe a little Darcy eh?**

_**Reviews make me feel funny inside xxx**_


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